Hello Everybody, this is Dan posting to you.
It has been over a year, and I guess I haven't posted because I don't know what to say. Most of the time it really sucks. I don't know what normal is supposed to be. I guess I felt a little bit normal this past Saturday night when we went church for Easter and I got to dress up, which is what I used to love to do. Right now I'm in the dark tunnel and it seems to be pitch black except for a pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel, which to me is the hope that science can come up with a way of fixing my spinal cord. But I know instead of waiting around, groping in the darkness doing nothing but waiting for science; I want to find the light switch to illuminate the tunnel and see what God wants me to be doing with why he wanted me to be this way. I know He didn't pick me because I was strong enough. Strength is something I have to consciously think about everyday. I don't know if it makes me more or less of a man to cry every week because I'm not strong enough. I guess the hardest part is the most obvious in the fact that my mind is still here and yet I can't make my body do what it's supposed to. Think as hard as you can and can try as hard as you can, but your finger doesn't move. As I'm speaking to type, I can't say that last sentence without crying. Do not ever say that I am a good example or that I have accomplished anything or that I have overcome something great: I can do nothing without Christ who strengthens me. But blessed are the weak for He will make them stronger, , right? I used to think Philippians 4:13 was about being able to do anything, but realized later it's about contentment. I am not always content with where I am and with where God put me I'm ahamed to say. Many days I doubt His imminent presence. It's not some shallow "why do bad things happen to good people" but more like a struggle to have the patience to see where God is taking me. It's sobering to hear people say how inspiring I am to them when I know my sins and my struggles and how I would not want anyone to have my frame of mind on most days.
I cannot thank all of you enough for your support and prayers. Even if I get angry with God and think that prayers don't do anything, the truth of the matter is that they do and that you are faithful to continue to pray for me.
Two major prayer requests
: Cedarville is modifying a room from me, and is in the process of raising money to fund the room; I know God will provide the money necessary.And secondly I need a personal-care assistant or else even if there is a room I would not be able to return. I know that God will provide the person necessary. (And in case it isn't obvious, my personal-care assistant has to be a guy pretty much unless I was going to marry the girl helping me. hahaha)
Well that's it for now, I should probably do this more often.
-- Dan
[Dan was in bed but having a "rough evening" physically and emotionally. He got on his computer and typed the above while it was fresh on his mind.]
42 comments:
Thanks Dan...you don't know us, but my wife and I follow this blog "religiously"...we have to follow it religiously...we're missionaries...that's how missionaries do everything. ha-ha!
Seriously...it is really great to hear your own thoughts about you and your situation...there's plenty to ponder in what you have to say...the struggles you face are just so human...so "normal."
We hope you'll keep sharing...it's a gift to read your thoughts on our computer screens.
Hi Dan,
It was great hearing from you...Thanks for sharing your heart with us..We will continue to pray for you and are confident God has the perfect personal-care assistant for you...Keep the Faith, Sandy for all the Basiles
Dan, I was so happy to see your face on the blog this morning...I have waited for the day you would share your heart with us.
Noone would argue with you the tunnel is dark...but that small light you see shining is the hole where we are peek into your life. We can't be in the tunnel with you or understand all that you are going thru. But we want to help with illuminating the path so believe us when we say you are a inspiration to other, you are stonger than you think, you have change and inpacted other people lives. How many of us get to say that! I thank God that I am one who is peeking thru the hole and being blessed by your life.
Pray in Northen Ohio
Dear Dan,
Over the past year we have heard of your struggles second hand. We have also heard of your parents struggles and I for one, am so thankful for your gift of freedom to be honest and vulnerable "to the world" and the fact that you keep moving forward (even if it feels like it's only by centimeter).
Dan don't sell yourself short as you struggle, because when we stand before Him I believe it will be more about our faithfulness to Him than the list of accomplishments. A recent post-it that I have added to my collection at my computer has this verse, Luke 21:19 "Stand firm, and you will win life" It's for you Dan. I check in on you practically everyday at least once. My prayers are for you and your family to keep standing firm in what you know of God's goodness (and may you grow deeper in your awareness).
I appreciate knowing your specific prayers and I feel privileged to hear your requests. You and your family have taught me much and I thank God for you from the bottom of my heart (and not just b/c we're fam)
I totally agree with you, you should do more writing! BTW, did you know, since you are using your computer more, that there is a cool website that you can read scripture and even do word searches on. www.biblegateway.com I use it a lot.
Dan, you may be laying down or sitting up on the outside, but you are moving forward in ways that none of us could imagine for ourselves. Your struggles are proof that you are standing firm. Love your sense of humor and I'm praying for you!
Dan, thank you for sharing. You have made my day. Keep it up. You are YES an inspiration to us. Your thoughts are so like mine and yet, I do not have your struggles. You have encouraged me so much. Please Dan, keep these coming. I'm sure you have insight that many of us need. God bless you with your desires and needs for your future. Love you in the Lord! Praise God. Keep that smiley face before us.
Hey Dan!
I too am glad you wrote. Thanks so much for your openness. You up for some Panda next week?
Mike P
Dan~
The day has arrived! Praise God for your ability to speak to us! I have been following your updates along with my 7 year old son. I am trying to teach him this year that prayer is important. He claims it doesn't always work, what a concept for a young boy to grasp. Today,after I read to him, what you said about being angry at God and to keep praying, I saw something in his face, liek he is getting it! Thank you Dan for sharing your true feelings with us!
We will continue to pray fro your requests, I know that God will meet your provisions!
A mother from HCA
Dan - I've read your story every week for the last year. I pray for you every week that God will give you the strength to go on with whatever the future holds for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts we will keep praying for God to give you the desires of your heart!
Dear Dan,
I can't tell you how good it was to hear your voice. I have been praying for you ever since your parents were in our small group and called on their way to Mexico. You are so precious to God and to us even though we have not officially met. The courage you often hear people talk about and admire is not misplaced. Some people will attain great acts of courage in their lives and that is to be admired as well. But I have come to believe that the greatest courage is found in those who face life straight on with great honesty no matter how hard that life is or what is asked of it. You are certainly in that category. Thank you for your honesty, for letting yourself feel all of it, even the hard stuff as that is part of the journey, and working to reconcile that with your faith. It will no doubt take you time. That is okay. There are no easy answers nor should there be when the battle is so great. This is the place that requires we throw our all on God because we know we are totally helpless. As small as your steps appear to you, you are doing that. That takes an immense amount of courage and God is so pleased with you.
You are loved,
Laura and Matthew Elliott
Praise God that you did it! You spoke...to all of us...people that know you and people like me that don't really know you and that care about you and read checkinginonDan just to see how you are and pray for you each day. You are a true inspiration and I will keep on praying for you to find peace.
Jeremiah 29:11
thanks for sharing from the heart, Dan. hang in there & keep your eyes on HIM.
wammer
Brother Scratch!!! THANKS for sharing. You are loved and missed.....see you in the Fall?
Sweetness
Dan, thank you for sharing your heart with all of us that check in on you! I don't know you but I feel you are part of my family and you are. I have a daughter at Cedarville so we are Christ's family and Cedarville's. I pray for you. We serve a wonderful God who knows all.
Dan, lookin' hot man!
Hi Dan! Thanks for sharing with us! I just wanted to say that what you shared really clicked in me-I often feel so weak and inconsequential- not fit for the task at hand. Yet, God doesn't choose us because of our strength- he chooses us because He wants to become our strength; in our weakness, He is strong. I will continue to pray that you will be encouraged thru the Body of Christ and the Holy Spirit, that your needs can be met to return to CU, and that God will be your strength!
Dear Dan,
Thank you for being so vulnerable and so honest with all of us. Your letter made me cry. Not only as I ached with you over the pain you are going through, but more so because of the wonderful things that God has done in your life in this past year! Your life is an absolute miracle over and over again... even the fact that you have been pacing for 79 days and counting!!! Having you talk to us is a miracle. Having a mind that is clear and can process and know is a miracle!
It was so wonderful to hear you speak!
I have followed your situation from when we first heard about the accident, and have prayed many, many times for you.
Be strong, don't give up. Keep trusting. I am convinced that God has great things in store for you that are beyond anything you can imagine right now.
I can't help but be persuaded that God has a caregiver picked out for you, and that you will go back to school and earn that degree. You have the grit and determination, that's for sure! Your life and testimony has impacted so many!
Continuing in prayer for you,
A Sister in Christ
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart with us. Now we know better how to pray.
Bev T
Keizer, OR
Dan,
I have been following your story for awhile. I think about you and often pray for you and your family.
'99 Cedarville Graduate
Dear Dan,
It is sooo good to hear directly from you! Thank you for sharing the prayer requests; it will be interesting to see how God answers them. :)
A Mom in Cedarville
Dan
I am one of your followers from Honduras! Have seen your faith, trust and progress happen in each entry.
I am not a person to journal but I do believe your sharing with us as openly as you have done, will bring a new healing to your heart and mind.
Hang tough, friend, and remember HE IS FAITHFUL!!
Dan,
I've written on occasion telling your family that we pray for you daily. Our children lift you up in prayer each night before they go to bed and often during the day as well. Our daughter, especially, has a tender heart toward you and your journey.
I, too, question God's presence, Dan, after many years of faithful following. I no longer have to have the right answer to it all. I no longer have to 'say the right words' to convince myself or those around me. As I let go of the "for-sures", though, I am finding a new peace in my life - a peace that is still open to God's presence and his working in my life. It sounds like you are too...
Thanks for reaching out to us, Dan. Yours words leave a mark on our souls.
Just take it one moment at a time, Dan. If I know nothing else, I know that you never know what another day brings...
Dan, I am so proud of you!
Many prayers and blessings!
-Brittany Donald
ps. I'm TRYING to get the funds in! We'll be selling tshirts in a few weeks. I'll make sure Mike gets one for ya!
Hey Dan,
Remember me i was your former camper. The one in the picture on your blog.You are amazing, having all that strength. You have a LOT of courage. I mean if I was you well..... I don't know what I'd do.
It's great that you have a new home and a new room. (hope your room turns out nice).I really miss you and hopefully you'll come back or i'll come to you.
bye from
your camper
p.s. you're unbelievable. its amazing that you can be so hopeful and that you did NOT desert God
bye again
Dan,
Wow, great to see you so upright in the Easter pics and even better, reading some of your own words. You and your family are so precious to God and to many of the rest of us out here following your situation. As difficult as any challenge is, it is harder without God. Your choice to remain faithful, to even fight the fight is an inspiration and blessing to us all. I wish I had words to say to make things easier or better for you, clearly I don't. Please take encouragement from the faithful prayers and love of many. I am so thankful to know to pray specifically for an assistant, I am often awake at night and frequently pray that you and your family are having a restful night, among other prayer times. I am looking forward to seeing how God continues to work on your behalf. Love , prayers and blessings to you and your family, Beth Bolander
Dear Dan,
It was great to hear from YOU! Tears came to my eyes as I read it. I will be praying that God provides someone to help you so you can go to college. I desire to use everything God has given me for His glory. And, by the way, you look great!
Much love,
Anna (a sister in Christ, you don't know me, but I keep up on how you're doing and pray for you)
You don't know us either, but YEAH Dan, what a JOY & PRIVILEGE to get to hear your heart and what God is doing in you.....we love you and pray from you from afar....the GREAT Northwest....my husband is a Cedarville grad and we are friends of the Glessners missionaries in Mexico. God is so faithful and HE is using you to minister to all of us....we are PRAYING!!
Mike (CU '89) & MaryAnn Roberts
Dan,
So good to hear from you personally. I will continue to pray for you, especially in the area of contentment. I am sure that is something many of us relate to on one level or another. God so often brings us down paths we had never anticipated. As I struggle with it, and surrender myself in prayer to God I will remember to prayer the same for you as well.
Thanks again for sharing your heart with all of us,
Erin Lasky
Dan, 'bout time we heard from you! (spoken in a big sister type tone!) I really believe this is one big hurdle that satan was really trying to keep you from getting across...and you did it...with Jesus' help of course!!! THIS was part of your growth and getting up and at life again. YEAH DAN!!!!
yes, life does stink, at best some times. It does for all of us. Even those of us that have "working" bodies.
Can't wait to hear from you again, soon! And don't think we are going to let you get away with going another year without posting!
Still praying for you and your family!
Jane in SC
Hi Dan,
I did not read this post until after we met Wednesday. Since then I have read it about 5 times. One thing that keeps coming to my heart and mind when I read it is why would you be ashamed at not being content in your current situation? Jesus sure didnt seem content when he was in the garden praying or when he was being totured and beaten before being hung on the cross. He was suffering and He ackowledged that when asking our Father why had he forsaken him. He even knew the end of the story! I dont need to give ou advice coz you are striving for strength and the heart of God. I BELIEVE you will be content on this journey when it is time. Soul Healing takes time...so does body healing. I continue to be amazed at your abilities. We are praying for healing!!!! Other things we pray for are: Kennedy Krieger, college, an assistant for you, your new house, a cat for you[but I think your dad is countering that prayer-teehee!!] Jesus is not done healing your SCI. I not know what lies a head but you definatly seem not as complete as most c1c2 injuries I have seen!
I do not know if this will mean anything to you but Brittany, my daughter with me, and I were talking about our visit after we left your home. we did not see you as a young man with an injury. We saw a young man, a cool, handsome young man, named Dan!!!
As soon as we get home I will get the rest of your stuff ordered so be looking for it.
Serving Him,
Connie
Dan, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with everyone. Hang in there.
good to read something from you Dan.
Ethan H.
Good for you, Dan!!! It's so good to hear from YOU. Thanks for writing how you're feeling. We'll continue to pray for that healing that we all want to see.
Janni
dan!
so good to hear from you on here! you are in my thoughts and prayers constantly! keep being strong - God is working amazing things in you life and in the lives of others!!
rachel
Dan,
You simply amaze me. :) I'm so thankful that the Lord has been so very good to both of us, even if we haven't always understood our current circumstances. You're ALWAYS in my prayers, my friend. Thank YOU for being such an empty vessel for the Lord! He is using you! Oh, and by the way, I'd like to send you a copy of my book. If you want one, please email me at amber@ambermet.com :)
Amber Metz
Dan,
I was reading Acts 9. Verse 11 says, "for behold, he is praying." In my margin years ago I wrote "crying out to the LORD in a tunnel." (must have been a sermon or Bible study note...)
The LORD said...share that with Dan...like He did with Ananias all those years ago with Saul.
Please read chapter 9.
Like you, I have more questions than answers.
I am encouraged by your post. Add me to the list of moms from CU that have been checking in on you and praying for you this year.
Keep looking UP.
CU mom
Dear Dan,
Greetings in Jesus’ precious name!
Good letter bro. thanks for just being sober and honest. God loves you and I’m sure that He is testing you in the same way a factory worker tests a critically important steel spring for the space shuttle, it must be put to extreme testing before it can be approved for the job it’s being created for.
The being “content thing”. Hey bro, check this out. Paul said those words after having endured numerous trials and afflictions. He had given it his all and all had been taken from him. He endured extreme persecution and extreme painful beatings and suffering. By the time he wrote those words he had been to the end of his rope many times and he had lived what he thought was his final day, day after day. And yet God brought him through. Paul was saying that “he learned” to be content. It didn’t just happen; it was a long difficult journey. Paul never said he was happy with things, just that knowing that Jesus lives and that He went “through it all” and even still goes “through it all” with us gave him courage to face another day of “whatever may come”.
When Paul said I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, he wasn’t talking about just anything and everything; he was talking about “suffering”. God knows you are suffering bro., so is your mom and dad and everyone else who loves and cares about you. No doubt God knows what He’s doing, and there are awesome and good reasons for everything that’s happening to you, but God alone knows these things, not us.
Yes, we can walk by faith, live by faith and have faith that’ll all work out as time goes by. And we should, and we can, and I know you will. But no one knows the valley you’re going through except someone else who’s walked through that same valley. So, I won’t venture to advise you on “what you should do”. I only want you to know that your doing great. You are a testimony, and that’s part of God’s design for His children that we might testify to one another and to the world. Even in your admission that you feel like He isn’t there at times, and sometimes you wonder if He even cares. The fact that you say those things is clear testimony that you know He is there and you just aren’t satisfied with His answer. Right now His answer is no, or at least “not yet, or not right now”. Just keep trusting the Lord and His word; keep asking and don’t stop unless He tells you that His grace is sufficient for you. Your situation is “your mountain” and God will give the strength to climb it and conquer it…in His time and according to His plan. Keep your mind focused on today. Today is all you have and there is no assurance of tomorrow, so just force yourself to go it “one day at a time”. Try to find meaning in this day, find something to praise Him for, to thank Him for and then look into His word for things that He wants to say to you specifically in this day for this moment. Keep your hopes alive by having hope for tomorrow, only be realistic about your hopes, try to hope as if what you have and are right now is the best it’ll ever be. Then, if God is willing and if it brings Him glory and He heals you completely (which would be so very very awesome) then….well, let’s come back to here and now. One day at a time! Hope in the Lord, not in a miracle that He may or may not perform, but just hide your self in the assurance of His Word, His love and His grace!
Here’s something to consider.
People spend hundreds and hundreds of hours watching television, going to the movies and concerts and all sorts of sports events. Most people will spend a few minutes to perhaps hours reading the newspaper or watching the news…(almost all of it depressing or sad or discouraging at best) They will read through gobs of books about Sci-fi, and fictional characters and Romance novels and all sorts of stuff but… there is a book that we know contains the very words of the God of creation. The Holy Bible! He knows what we need, He knows why we exist and He offers us inside information that can save us, and prepare us for the future “come what may”… and how much time do we spend reading it?
Here’s a suggestion bro. read your bible purposely. In other words when you feel like He isn’t there, or when that light in the tunnel seems so far away that it is nothing but a tiny pin… Read… open your eyes and listen, open your mouth and talk to Him, then open your eyes and listen. Look bro. Your condition is bad. I’ll never say it isn’t. But you’ve still got your brain and you eyes and your ears and technology has allowed you to communicate with people through your computer. 100 years ago it was much much harder to go through what you’re going through, but people did it! Look at that silly fool Steven Hawking. The guy is a genius in every intellectual way, but God says He’s a fool. He has such a mind and intellect that He is too wise for God, and yet, he doesn’t complain about His physical disabilities. How do you explain that? Hmmm…
Your no fool bro. God has gifted you with wisdom, use it for His glory. You can have a pity party if you want to, and I don’t blame you either. You can be mad at God, and I won’t condemn you or speak even a word against you for that. If I were in your shoes how would I act? I’ll be honest with you bro. “I don’t know?” Who knows maybe someday we’ll find out, only God knows! But I do know this. Life is hard, it always has been, and if you didn’t experience that yet, then welcome to the real world. There is only one way to live and that is to take each day as it comes, live it to the hilt and as if this is as good as it gets, and as if this is your last day on earth, then say, Lord here am I use me for your glory as you see fit, I am yours to do with as you please.
God’s word is for you, (and me) today, yesterday, tomorrow and forever it remains what it is, God’s word!
You only see a little tiny light at the end of the tunnel? Then I suggest you look into the book that contains light and see if that tiny ray of light might grow in intensity. It won’t change your situation any but it might change the way you look at it. God’s word will not be for powerless, it will accomplish everything that he has purposed it to.
Finally, since you quoted my hero, I’ll quote him too. Paul also said in Philippians
Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice. That means be glad, or lift up you voice in praise to the Lord thanking Him for everything. (Even the seemingly bad things)
If you can do that then you’re not far from knowing God’s grace for you. If you can’t, then I highly recommend you spend more time reading His word and seeking His counsel. And I’ll be praying for you that the Holy Spirit will apply to your heart the things you read . Most of what you are and who you are is still complete. Your eyes, ears, mouth and brain all work just fine. They can all be used for your own purposes or they can be living sacrifices unto the Lord. You can complain and be angry and wonder why me, why this, why now… yadda yadda yadda. But that won’t change a thing, will it? That’ll just frustrate you to no end and make you more depressed and despondent and angrier with God. I mean, “Wha’s up wit dat” ? This guy Steven Hawking can endure a life long disease without complaining, and we are God’s children and we even know the way, the truth and the life, and we know we are not our own, but we were bought with a price and when He says this is what I want to use you as or for, we complain and get mad? Is that it? Is that the way it is?
Becoming a Christian involves two things. We die! He brings us to life by His (shed blood and resurrection) power and His Spirit takes possession of us, or should we rephrase that “We become powerless because of death, and we become His possession” and it’s His life that enables to live. Now do we have a right to tell God this is the way I will be? Or, does He have the right to say, this is what I’ll make of you? This is what’s known as total commitment. Faith involves obedience… and we are saved by grace through faith… duhhhh…. No kidding CB, I know all that. Hang in there, just a sec.
I know you had lots of hopes and dreams and none of them involved being a quadriplegic. Believe it or not, I had lots of hopes and dreams too, I’m almost 50 years old now, and most of my hopes and dreams will never materialize. But I never dreamed of being in India, or being here in N.E. India. This happened because a few years ago I repented of my life of half hearted surrender and I totally surrendered to God the things I had been holding out on Him. God doesn’t want your body Dan, He wants you. You think you need your body, but what you really need is Him. He will never need you, but He wants to use you, bless you and make you an awesome tool for His glory, and you will receive all the rewards and they will last forever. Being a quadriplegic will never is easy for anyone. Joni Erickson Tada tells it like it is. It sucks! But God has used her to touch thousands upon thousands. She is an inspiration of what God can do. He’ll do the same for you, and who knows, maybe even more. It’s not the temporal that matters, it’s the eternal.
Read the book of Colossians
Then be sure and read 5 short Psalms a day or 1 long one. One Chapter from Proverbs, and at least one parable of Jesus. Then take time to study, to meditate on His word and you’ll see, that light will soon fill the tunnel, I promise it’ll happen, but it’s up to you. God says He’ll make himself known to those who seek Him with all of their heart.
I love you bro. I wish I could trade places with you, if I could I would. God knows what He’s doing, He has a plan.
In Jesus name,
CB
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